Sometimes in my life, it feels like I’m standing on a sinking boat. Or maybe it’s a sinking dock. I often don’t even remember if I ever left the dock; all I can see is that whatever I’ve relied on to hold me up is disintegrating. I spend so much time trying to hold everything together, trying to fix what I feel I have broken, trying to like myself when I know in the moment I can’t. It’s an exhausting cycle, a cycle that none of us are really meant to live.
I can be quite dramatic sometimes. Perhaps it comes with my big imagination—or perhaps it’s something we all fall into—but there are times when everything looks bigger and more menacing than it really is. It is then that I start using phrases like “I’m gonna die,” or “this is the worst,” when in reality, neither are true. These are merely moments that I can’t see clearly, because the sinking boat and the crashing waves feel more real than the fact that I am loved. I don’t always know how it happens. It’s usually just one remark that makes me feel “less than,” one incident on the road where another driver makes me feel unsafe. And I forget what I was made for. I don’t tend to like myself in these moments, because my reactions stand in stark contrast to what I believe to be the truest parts of me—the most beautiful parts.
The parts that like to hide.
But see, the beauty in us is what needs exposure. It needs to be seen; so if it is hiding, we feel stifled and trapped. Trapped on a sinking boat or a sinking dock, unable to pull ourselves up because we’ve forgotten that it’s not only possible but it is our destiny to live above the waves of fear and insecurity.
See, I know I hide my beauty because of insecurity. I stop believing that I have beauty at all, and then everything feels awkward. I can’t connect with God, people, or the beauty around me. I feel trapped in my own body. Ever felt this way?
And then there are moments when truth pokes through the fog, and I am overcome once again. I’ve never felt more alive than the times I’ve been overcome by God’s love, by his nature, by his kindness. When I allow him to help me believe again, to see my value through his eyes, my entire being longs to respond. In these moments, I don’t care who’s watching, I don’t care what held me back before, I don’t worry about the sinking boat. Because he’s holding me up; so I can collapse, undone, immersed in his water. In his water, I find that I can breathe, so I don’t have to claw my way up for air.
I believe with all my heart that I am never more truly myself than when I am worshipping the Father. When my searching and my longing meets his heart and I can’t help but respond. This is the place where I am free. It really doesn’t matter what is going on around me. Truth supersedes circumstance, every time.
I want to live overcome. I want to live so undone by his love that worship naturally flows out of my life. This kind of worship will expand my heart to welcome others, it will unleash an unlimited flow of creativity, and it will release freedom to whatever I touch. It’s so simple, even though it can take a lifetime to understand. But it doesn’t have to. We can live this way now, friends. Without fear, without insecurity, and without striving. Stop trying to like yourself and let your Father show you who he is. His beauty and love reflects into our souls and calls out the truest parts of us, the parts that he has redeemed and stamped with a mark that says, “this is who you are, a reflection of my goodness.”
If you aren’t sure how to go there with him, just let your hunger build. And when you begin to feel him filling you with his love, press into it. Go as deep as he wants to take you. Linger there.
Let your being respond to his pursuit. I promise you will find yourself as you lose everything that you once thought mattered so much. Drown in his love. This is freedom, and this is what you were made for: worship and adoration in response to the incredible kindness, the exquisite beauty of your Creator.