To be whole.

Is this a paradox to a humanity that is hopelessly broken?

I’ve been in my own process in the recent months of learning to understand who I am as a person, what state my heart is in, and to embrace the point I’m at in the process of becoming who I’m made to be. The beautiful truth is that God can use us in whatever state we’re in—because this life is about Him and His kingdom, and He displays His glory through our brokenness. It is through the cracks in our facades that He can shine the most penetrating light. Often when this happens, though, we are not even aware. God uses us when we’re not employing our own efforts, and so we usually don’t even know what happened until after the fact, or until the time God chooses to open our eyes.

And we are astounded and humbled, especially in those times when we can so poignantly taste the bitterness of our broken minds, hearts, or bodies and God still shows His love to another broken person through us.

But God has also taught me recently the importance of becoming whole and getting healed. I think most of us walk around with wounds or tender spots we don’t even know are there because we’re so good at distracting ourselves from the pain or dismissing its effects because we compare it to others’. It may not have even been some traumatic event that caused these wounds, but nevertheless they exist. I believe that denial of these tender places only makes them worse while at the same time killing our hearts little by little.

I don’t know about you, but I am a dreamer. When I really allow myself to dream, I dream big and wild. There are so many things that when I think about the possibilities make my heart beat faster and my longings gnaw more fiercely. I firmly believe that God has an incredible plan to use me on the Earth while I’m alive and maybe even after my death. I get excited when I think about what could happen. And yet I have found myself in the past few years getting so easily burnt out that sometimes I can’t even think about those big things. There are too many present concerns to overcome that it seems my faith is dwindling little by little and I wonder—

Where did that dreamer go?

But God is showing me the importance of seasons and taking time on things, and being patient and allowing Him to take time developing and healing me. He’s teaching me, through His gentle love, to not feel guilty when I don’t find myself doing those great things He’s put in my heart. He’s reminding me, and maybe even teaching me for the first time, who I am apart from what I do, what I produce, how I pray, even how I live my Christian life. Slowly but surely, He’s been taking me by the hand and leading me back into the reality of what it looks and feels like to live in relationship with Him. To just be. And as the relationship grows, obligation falls off. Weariness falls off. My heart softens, and as it does, I allow Him to expose and heal the sore spots in my heart. I allow Him to strip off the false identities and associations that I once believed to be the make-up of my person.

Because in truth, I am nothing without His hand in mine.  I am merely good intentions and passions that will eventually be misdirected if I never let God touch my brokenness and make me right again.

Sometimes I’m not sure where I got off. It’s not that I did something horribly wrong or was deeply offended by something that took place. Sometimes pain just happens over time, as those tiny little knives puncture our hearts in moments that our minds tend to quickly overlook.

Friends, what I want to tell you is that it’s okay to hurt or to be overwhelmed. Actually it is healthy to acknowledge you are. It’s okay to wait to do some of the things you’re called to do, because God might be trying to help you become your purest, truest self first. Let’s step away from guilt. Let’s leave the past behind. Let’s allow our Father to meet us where we’re at and be who He wants to be with us. It’s okay to squeeze His hand for a while before you venture out onto those waves with Him. He understands.

He wants you to be a whole person.